It's not just tonight, though. The only way I can cling to the thought that humans are good-willed and kind is to imagine that they have no idea that they aren't good tippers. So, to anyone who might come upon this, here are some guidelines for being a good restaurant patron.

Rule #1: Any tip less than 20% of the bill is unacceptable. Perhaps you've heard that a tip for adequate service is 15%. This is a lie. 15% is not a good tip. When I check my tip and find only 15%, I cringe.

You see, if you tip me 15%, I really only get 11%. The specific amount varies from restaurant to restaurant, but generally every restaurant has a tip-out. At my restaurant, we tip out 4% of our sales to the bartender, the hostess, the food runner, and the bus boy. So if your bill is $30 and you leave me $4.50 (15%), I only get to keep $3.30. And guess what? That is a lousy freaking tip. I did not treat you well and keep your glasses full and your table clean for an hour for you to give me $3.30. In fact, if your bill is $30 and you leave me anything less than $6, I'll show your credit card slip to my co-workers and we'll make fun of you for being so cheap.

Here is a fact that you might not know. Servers only make $2.38 per hour. That is well below minimum wage. Servers do not get a paycheck, because we declare tips and therefore our entire paycheck is used to pay taxes. So if you give us a bad tip, chances are we might not be able to pay our rent.

It sounds barbaric, doesn't it? But if you weren't required to tip (you heard that right. Consider tipping a requirement, not an option), restaurants would be required to pay us more. And then the food prices would go up dramatically. And the quality of service you receive would go down because servers would be making the same amount of money whether you're happy or not. So, tipping isn't a perfect custom, but it's the best thing we have. So take care of your servers and NEVER tip less than 20%. If your service is so bad that you feel the need to leave less than 20%, speak to the manager. That is the only thing that will change their practices, because servers do not re-evaluate their service after receiving a lousy tip. They curse you.

And here's something to chew on for anyone who's ever left NO tip for whatever reason. If your bill is $30 and you leave me no tip, then I have to pay $1.20 out of my pocket for your meal for tip out. Thanks for that.

Rule #2: Do not treat your servers as serVENTS. This might sound silly, but guess what? We're doing a job just like you go to work and do your job. We are people. Yes, maybe you had a bad day. Maybe you've had a bad life. But some common courtesy wouldn't kill you. When I ask how your day has been, don't respond with "we'll have two diet cokes." It's just fucking rude. Also remember that I have other things to do besides tend to your every whim. If you ask me for sour cream, don't get upset if I don't return in two seconds. I probably have four other tables demanding the same thing from me and I have to run food to my fellow server's tables and I have to keep the restaurant restocked with glasses and silverware and napkins.

Keeping with the common courtesy theme, do NOT hold up your glass and point to it when you need a refill. I can see that you need a refill and I'll get to you as soon as I can. I do have the mental capacity to keep an eye on you.

Just follow the golden rule and we'll be fine. Because we're all people.

Ok, so really, those are the only two rules. Tip at least 20% (more is always welcome) and be nice. Is that so hard? You wouldn't think so.