Baltimore
04 July 2005


Happy Independence Day!

Normally on the 4th Matt has a huge party. The party is the talk of our network of friends. Everyone stops by, at least for a bit. Some stay for the whole day. Once the sky goes dark we all crowd onto his rooftop deck and watch fireworks, then some drunkard usually starts singing the Star Spangled Banner. The night usually ends with the straglers going out to a bar. Due to the 4th falling on a Monday, which means almost everyone has to go to work the next day, Matt didn't have his party this year. It didn't really feel like the 4th. I went to a cook out at my sister's house. I messed around with her kids and went swimming in their pool, then after dark my brother-in-law and his buddy set off all the fireworks they bought. It was pretty cool, though I thought my sister was going to kill her husband when she saw all the scorch marks on her driveway. They were making milkshakes and getting ready to watch the Sylvester Stallone movie "Over the Top." I've never seen it, but it's a 4th of July tradition for my brother-in-law. I think it's about arm wrestling.

I was sitting with my sister in her front yard, chatting with her about how silly her husband was being, and I thought to myself, "I could do this. I could settle down in suburbia and raise a few kids. Buy a house and watch my husband mow the lawn while I plan cook outs and save for my kid's college." It was the first time I'd ever had a thought like that and it scared the crap out of me. I don't think I actually want that, but I am realizing that I do want change.

I had a dream last night about a co-worker of mine who is gay. He asked me to marry him and when I said yes, another co-worker of mine said, "Why would you marry him? You know he's gay." I said to her, "It's ok. At least I won't be alone."

I never want to be the girl who dates someone just to keep from being alone. I don't like that girl. And in the past I can honestly say that I didn't mind being alone because I was happy that way. But things are different now, and I'm not sure how to proceed. Do I even do anything differently? Or do I just wait and hope something comes along?

I honestly have no idea.

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