After Amber told me that she saw this diary I locked it. Because I was embarrassed. Then I realized that I didn't want to lock my diary. I enjoy the fact that people (complete strangers!) can read my thoughts. That seemed unhealthy. I can write without a care to people who don't know me but I get uncomfortable that the girl who is my closest friend might read the same things. Something was wrong with that picture.

Maybe it's therapeutic to get my thoughts out where I know SOMEONE will read them, but that I'll never have to face any real life ramifications for them having the knowledge. Because I can count on one hand the serious conversations I have with my close friends (most of which come when we're intoxicated), maybe I just need the release of letting out what I think without consequence.

So I faced a dillema when Amber discovered my diary. Risk leaving it so she can read along with my writing, or give up on it so that I can maintain this silly facade that we put up for each other.

I decided that it's silly for me to care if Amber (or anyone else) can read this. If it were really that private, I wouldn't put it in here. I do have private thoughts and feelings that don't go in here. So I'm going to continue to write in here without caring if Amber (or anyone else in my real life, with perhaps the exception of my mother) finds it. This feels like a really big decision for me, and I'm hoping that I'm not just making it because I had a few drinks tonight after work.

Speaking of work, there is this guy there. He works in the kitchen, as a line cook. There is a definite social strata in the world of food service. Generally speaking, there is not much interaction between the front of the restaurant and the back of the restaurant. Most servers are college aged kids who are either still in school or who just haven't determined what they're going to do with their lives. Most people in the back of the restaurant are foreign. They're from Central or South America. Many have families there who they send money. Most don't speak English very well.

So back to the line cook. He has always been one of my favorite people at the restaurant. He has a good attitude, he does his job well, he's funny, and he's kind of cute. We have good conversations and I like working with him. Well, a few weeks ago it became kind of apparant that he has a bit of a crush on me. His co-workers on the line picked up on it and are giving both of us, but mostly me, hell for it. It makes going to work almost unbearable because they're always making comment to me about him while he just smiles and looks kind of embarrassed. I haven't been able to have much of a real conversation with him since this all started. It's very frustrating because even though it's not run of the mill for front of the house and back of the house to associate, I'd totally love to hang out with him. It's so sweet the way he is around me, even though I know next to nothing about him. Lately when I look at him I try to imagine what he's like outside of work. He has the little bit of facial hair just below his lip, I've heard it called a "soul patch" and it's kind of sexy. I kind of want to lick it.

I know nothing will ever happen with him. I don't even think I would want it to. He's so different from everyone in my life. He speaks Spanish all the time. The only time he speaks English is when he talks to me or other people in the front of the restaurant. I doubt anyone in his personal life is anything like me. We're very much worlds apart.

But I'd still like to lick his soul patch.

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