On Friday night I had quite a few drinks. And that night I dreamt that my roommate and his boyfriend and my friend Julia and I were going to a Yankees game in NY. We were, for some reason, in a limo. When we were almost there, my roommate tells us that he and his boyfriend don't want to go to a Yankees game, so they're going to go off by themselves. Then Julia gets a call on her cell phone and after she hangs up she tells me that she also can't go to the Yankees game because her boyfriend and his friend are coming to her house tomorrow and she needs to go to bed early so she can get a good night's sleep. So I tell her I'll just go home with her but she insists that I go to the Yankees game because I really like baseball and that's what I want to do. So I go to the Yankees game all by myself.

Now, normally I don't analyze my dreams. Normally I can't even remember my dreams, but when I do I don't think about them too much. But this dream really seemed to focus on my fear of being alone. It relates a lot to the entry I wrote awhile back about needing to date just so I have someone to spend time with when my friends are otherwise engaged. Because I really am, of all my friends, the only one who is not in a serious relationship. But I don't want to be! It's this horrible cycle that I go through with myself again and again. I don't feel the need to pursue finding a significant other. If that person should come into my life I certainly wouldn't be opposed to it, but I'm not feeling the need to go after anyone. And my friends can't understand it. Well, Julia can. She's the only one who doesn't bug me about it. But I'd be lying to myself if I said I really was happy with my current relationships, because I'm not. I'm so selfish that I want all of my friends to not want to date either. I want them to want to hang out with me. I don't want to be prioritized below someone who my roommate has known for eight months just because they have sex. I've known my roommate since we were eight years old, but I guess that's not important.

I'm not naive. I know how romantic relationships work. It just all seems so stupid. It seems so stupid that the first thing people ask me when they haven't seen me in awhile is, "So, are you dating anyone?" It seems ridiculous that in order to live a life where I don't feel left out I have to have one person who I deem more important and more attractive than everyone else in my life. It's really my biggest frustration.

Last night I also drank, but not that much. Three drinks. And I had this dream that my friends and I were all friends with that kid who plays Harry Potter. And it was this big news that the kid is gay. And my roommate was so proud and so excited and he was all, "and he's already found the person who he wants to spend the rest of his life with!" and I was so appalled. I was like, "That kid is only about 14 years old! Why are you happy that he's found the person with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life? He's a child!"

It was very strange. I guess in a way it was the same frustration of the other dream. This 14 year old kid already thinking that he found someone with whom to share his life. That such an importance is placed on it. Though, why subject was the kid who plays Harry Potter and why that kid was gay in my dream, who knows?